As many of you know, the Spring Break Alternative/Habitat for Humanity team hosted a roast of Dean of Men Aaron Peterson today. I spoke for a couple of minutes and I must say, it was an absolutely blast. Some of the jokes were very Hillsdale specific. And obviously I strayed from my script a bit. But I've included below the transcript of what I said. Keep in mind, this was a family-safe event so the things said were appropriate for his five children.

"I'd like to thank Anna Ashmore for heading up this roast. We have a lot in common. We're both pretty and popular, for one. We both have tons of Facebook friends too. The difference is that I don't need them for my own self-esteem.

Marsha Boemke was going to be here this afternoon, but she had some e-mails she had to write. She sends her apologies, along with this brief note. "The Hillsdale Arrow Catchers Society will be meeting tomorrow in the Quad at 5:00 pm."

Last fall Hans Zeiger and I got into trouble by taking some friends up in Central Hall at night. At first he was pretty harsh about it, but then Dean Peterson was rather lenient about the whole thing. He told me recently that he's writing a book about the experience, called Get Off My Clock Tower.

Dean Peterson is currently studying to be a deacon at his church. Along with his masters in theology. This is only after he found out a masters in Greek has nothing to do with fraternities.

About six months ago, Dean Peterson got a phone like this. He is always talking about how much he likes it. Thus far he's had lessons on how to use the digital camera, the mp3 functions, and solitaire. Later this week, his daughter is going to teach him how to make phone calls.

Sometimes Dean Peterson serves communion at church. He'll only let freshmen guys take it if they agree to go through rush.

Last year, Dean Peterson told the Collegian that he gave his wife "more chores and a new mop and broom set" along with the best gift of all: "a fifth child" for Valentines. In typical guy fashion, he wanted to outdo himself this year. We should know in the next couple of months if he came through.

Imagine the environment at the Peterson household. Dean Peterson's sons don't get timeouts, they get social probation."